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Until last year, if you’d asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d have said I was a perfectionist. Almost twenty years earlier, I lived out my perfectionism in university. During the first year of my studies, I had a lot of time on my hands. I spent most of it studying—to practice and perfect my newly acquired skills. My thorough work paid …

For a long time, I was convinced I was ahead of my peers. I was an intelligent boy who was quick to pick up reading, writing, and doing math. Extremely curious, I also knew more than most of my classmates. I believed I was more mature as well. After all, I’d lived through the illness and loss of my mother before most children even considered …

I don’t know when I picked up on this idea. It might’ve been while doing crafts as a child. Maybe it happened while working on school assignments. It could also have occurred while learning to play an instrument or doing sports. I do know this. I’ve absorbed the idea that I must finish what I start—and I’ve disciplined myself with it for decades. …

I was a very nervous child. I often blinked my eyes. I picked my nose. I involuntarily shrugged my shoulders. I reached into my pants to shift my genitals. Some of my behaviors may have been natural for my age, but they weren’t socially accepted. I wasn’t supposed to put my hands in my pants in public. I was told not to blink excessively. I …

Being Dutch and having been taught English from a young age, I find it fascinating to live in Germany and learn German. The more I learn about the language, the more similarities I see with Dutch and English. Sometimes, people teasingly say that Dutch is just a mix of English and German, and I suppose there’s some truth to that idea. Take the …

During the final stages of my PhD, I felt totally overwhelmed. I’d been struggling to finish a research project I initiated several years prior. The results from my computer simulations were puzzling me, and my article on them was rejected by my journal of choice. Yet, I needed both my writing and sound scientific results to compile my thesis. …

I’m staring at a blank page. A blinking cursor is waiting for me. Where should I begin? What should I write? I type a few words, but I don’t like their sound and delete them. I insert half a sentence, make it to the first conjunction, and start over again. I try to create another line and end up with a blank page once more. That’s what writing my …

I want you to agree with me. I desperately want you to agree with me. I want you to see me, hear me, acknowledge me, and appreciate me. While I’m at it, I might as well say that I want you to praise me. I want you to praise me for what I do, for what I think, and for who I am. Why? Because I want to believe that I did the right thing and made the …

Earlier this year, I applied for my dream job. I wasn’t only very enthusiastic about the vacancy, but I also believed I was a great fit for it. Applying was a breeze. I’d recently updated my CV and online job profiles. All I needed to do was turn my enthusiasm into a cover letter. After a weekend of writing, I submitted my application and …

When I was planning to move to Germany back in 2018, DeepL had recently introduced its online translator. DeepL’s ability to turn German into Dutch and vice versa immediately astounded me. It was miles ahead of Google Translate and especially shone when literal translations wouldn’t be accurate, like with idiomatic expressions. DeepL quickly …

I’m extending my arms to you, holding a little candle in my cupped hands. The candle is spreading a glowing light and radiating warmth. It’s also spreading a warm feeling. The little candle is my gift to you. With it, I’m sharing my light, offering it to you and others. I’m also sharing myself with you. You could blow out my candle as I’m …

Mama, when I was five, you fell ill. You got cancer. When I was ten, I lost you to it. For years, I believed I’d grieved well. I cried, didn’t I? We talked about you, didn’t we? Over time, I went through intense periods of renewed grief. However, I never realized how deeply losing you scarred me. Until now. Your illness and untimely death form …